That One Time, When I shaved My Head

I've been known to be extreme from time to time.  I'm a female...and an artist...really, what more can you expect?  Ever since I was about 10 years old, I've pretty much always had shortish hair (I'm talking chin length or less).  In 2007, I stopped cutting my hair and let it grow and grow for over 3 long years.  My hair was over two feet long....That's pretty long for a person who's 5'3".  I loved it--it matched my flowing hippie skirts oh so well.

By the fall of 2009, I was more than in love with my hair--I was obsessed.  It began to play a role in my nervous habits--I would constantly touch it, twirl it, brush it (with my fingers).  I couldn't keep my hands off it, and it wasn't due to vanity.  Although it was a comfort to me in all of my nervous glory, the obsessive nature of it all was starting to get to me.  In September, I threatened to shave my head (for the second time in my life).  Whether the obsession with my hair was a result of vanity or anxiety, it became too much for me.  I was freaked out by the dependency on my hair for comfort and security.  Thank you, society, for the notion that long hair on a woman's head is the definition of feminine.  I felt safe amidst the long fibrous strands--camouflaged from anything that I deemed to be unsafe or unsavory.  I felt comfort from the tactile experience of it when I would neurotically touch it.  I really wonder sometimes, what I must look like when I'm constantly toying with my hair.

In November, I actually shaved my head.  I decided it in secrecy--my husband was away for the weekend.  I texted only my cousin, as I was assembling my supplies needed to get the job done.  I decided to make the process more worth while; I committed myself to donating as much of my hair as I could to Pantene Pro-V.  Like Locks of love, they make wigs for patients with cancer.  However, I found out that Locks of Love provides wigs to people but charge based on income (some people do get them for free, but not all).  Well, I am not going to donate my hair, so someone can take it and sell it.  That's not my idea of a Charity.  Pantene Pro-V donates the wigs, FOR FREE, to people who have cancer.  I used scissors, and cut up as high as I could.  Then I took to the clippers and buzz buzz buzzed.  My only regret was that winter was upon us, and my head was cold...but that's what hats are for.

me and my freshly shaved head.....then I put on a hat, and went off to the bar to show Hans.

Oh my, my...if only the picture I took of my husband when he walked through the door wasn't so blurry....we tried to recreate the face immediately after, but it was impossible.  The facial expression went immediately from shock to smiling--it could have been so much worse.

blurry reaction

immediately after the reaction.

attempted recreation.

 It was an interesting experience for me, with my anxiety, to have nothing to hide behind, nothing to provide tactile comfort for my nervous hands that I never seem to know what to do with unless I'm working.  I remember feeling the burning looks from people--I felt like I must have looked to them like a young boy, a lesbian or a cancer patient.  At first, these things made me feel uncomfortable, but then I realized that I didn't care if people thought about my sexual orientation when looking at my head...and  really, the only reason I cared if they thought I had cancer was because I did not want the state of my hair to cause reactions in the form of pity.... (yea, the possibility of being identified as a young boy kind of bothered me, since I was in fact a 25 year old woman).

And, really I should have known the boy-thing was going to happen.  For Halloween one year, AJ and I dressed up as each other.  I tied back my long hair, put on his jeans and hoodie (hood up), and speckled my face with eyeliner, to function as his stubble.  He put on one of my hippie skirts, somehow managed to squeeze into one of my shirts (with chest hair flying) and put a wig on.....well, let me tell you..at the bar, people really thought I was a dude....who wasn't dressed up on Halloween.  It was funny and uncomfortable all at the same time, but I seem to like uncomfortable in some sick way.

(Side note regarding compensation for the lack of hiding place:  making funny faces....I think I make funny faces a lot--always have...it's to make up for my discomfort in photos...or to communicate with Hans Vogi in our secret code speak.  But I definitely started making them a lot more during my shaved head period.)

one of the more normal strange faces I tend to make a lot.

I remember trying to compensate for these feelings I was having by presenting myself with a proud and confident stature--trying to assume that role was a difficult task, considering I am quite the opposite.  It was like role-playing.  I was pretending to be this person to fit the hair I had on my head, and as it grew, I allowed myself to morph with it, changing my style and my physical presentation to fit my hair.  I guess I made it a sort of game and an opportunity of exploration.  I felt like I was exploring femininity and pushing the boundaries of what that means to me, as well as what it means to society.  The whole experience was scary and uncomfortable, but also empowering and enlightening.  I learned a lot about myself and other people.

I would strongly recommend doing this at least once in your life (I've done it twice...the first time, I was in high school and just didn't care)....It allows you to detach yourself from the society-definined femininity all women are guilty of conforming to or worrying about in some way. It feels good to know that you have the power to make your own choices based on yourself and not what society has deemed to be normal and, in this case, feminine....and so many will say in response to this...but I DO choose for myself to keep my hair long, or to shave my legs....REALLY????  And why, I ask do you do it for yourself?  Because it's the safe zone.  Because if you do these things you feel comfortable in your own skin in the public sphere....But really, if you were all alone--completely isolated---would you feel the same way?  Would you care if you were silky smooth, with hair only on your head????

As of December of 2011, I have kept my hair in the same style (not shaved)--angled and a-symmetrical.  For some reason, I'm not ready for it to go past this point, although I do think about letting it grow again...but I know I'll just wind up chopping it all off, so really why go through all that trouble to  just completely lose it one day and do something extreme, like shave my head.